Strength Within

All of my life I have had a tug on my spirit almost as if something were missing. The tug on my life was extremely fierce and as I tried to remain strong nothing worked to silence the wrenching on my life. The voice and longing was frustrating, it was destructive and I felt as though I was not worth anything.
I began to feel there was something wrong with me and not knowing how to handle these feelings I continued to swallow it. Every day in school I wanted to make a better grade with the mindset that it would quiet my spirit but it didn’t help.
When I got older I constantly desired for peace in my heart, searching for money and popularity through the eyes of other. I jumped from business to business and dreamed of a success filled life.
The day came that I was divorced, broken and beaten. Fame had yet to be achieved and much less the void had yet to be filled.
I couldn’t figure it out. I had made so many of my dreams come true and nothing filled my spirit. I played college football, built a pretty solid business and had even accepted Christ into my life.
What was wrong with me, where was my spirit and glimmer. I had always been the fun and exciting person on the outside but I had the side that no one knew where I was broken on the inside. All I wanted in life was to feel complete and solid.

I was screaming inside “What is wrong with me?”

I began to analyze my life and I started to ask myself “What am I here for?” After reading many books I knew deep down that I was not suicidal and that I was not depressed but if I did not have these “Clinical” prescribed diagnostics then what did I have.
I felt fine physically, mentally and yikes, the one thing that was missing within the physical and mental test that were run. For some reason no psychologist or physical doctor dove into the spiritual realm with me?

At this point I didn’t know who or what to turn to?

I was spiritually indecent and didn’t know where I belonged. I was born into Catholicism and chose to pursue the Baptist Church followed by the Church of Christ and then ended up in the broad range of Non-Denominational. All of it didn’t make sense.
OK, I was christened as a baby, had First Communion, was an Altar Boy, confirmed in the Catholic Church then told that everything that I knew was wrong. At this time I agreed and admitted that I was a sinner, was saved and then baptized.
End of story, RIGHT?
Wrong, at this time my life, I was sent into a whirled wind and everything went really crazy. I call this my time in the ice age. Everything that I had was cold and undesirable. Frostbitten and ice burned, I had no where else to turn. Now my hellacious cry had turn into a roar. The strength within no longer let me live a sane life. Jerking me to suffocation, wrenching me to blood and running me to despair I was done and ready to throw in the towel. WOW, All the effort in the world and here I am quitting. White flag was waving as I cowered in failure.

This world attitude had the stench of death.

I was failing and failing bad and no one knew it. I was the spirited guy on the outside and was burning on the inside. Keeping the front I continued living my life to the fullest and showing everyone that I was on calm seas. I went to work, gym and church like everyone else did and one day it hit. The message that I had received prior to this day stated “If you accept Jesus into your life you’ll go to Heaven!”

Where was my joy?

I still believe that I’m going to heaven and that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior but I still have to get from today to the end of eternity. I felt bad on the inside and I knew that I didn’t have something correct. Then it hit me “I need spiritual breakdown.”
Until now I had this spirit inside of me that I protected with my human nature and to this day I don’t know if I needed human brokenness or a spiritual explosion but either way I received both. In my heart I now walk in the fullness of the Lord with peace and now the strength within is the strength in full.

Ephesians 4:7-8 “But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. This is why it says “When he ascended on high, he led captives in his train and gave gifts to his men”.”
Please read the full chapter of Ephesian 4